Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
