I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
