My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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