My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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