We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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