Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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