I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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