I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
