We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
