i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
