Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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