And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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