Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
