Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
