I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
