Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
