On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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