My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
