I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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