This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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