Are we in a gay sports bar?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
