The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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