it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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