His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It's never too late to be topless.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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