Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize