had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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