pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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