I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
