I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
