My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
