My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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