I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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