Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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