apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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