dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
