I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm at about main and main street
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
