I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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