I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
