just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
