I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
