stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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