So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
