4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i love accidental penises.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
