she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
