I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wanna go halves on a baby?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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