you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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