i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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