I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm really busy with my period
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