i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
