I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
