I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
