sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
