Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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