you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
