she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
