i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize