I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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