you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize