mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
