the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just pynch a tree in the face
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So. Much. Porn.
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