im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
