I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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