My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
